the banana plant is not a tree (and other discoveries)

is it normal to get sad over a a stem of a banana?

because i cried over mine today. i look at the stem of the banana that was connected to a bushel of other bananas and i cried. it's taken me three hours to write that sentence. i'm a blur of emotions today. and yesterday. and the day before. i took a banana for breakfast and got a look at the stem and thought about how i'd probably never see a banana plant. i'd probably never get to do any of the things that i long to do out of pure fear. i'm scared of so much. i'm scared of taking chances. i'm scared of making mistakes.

this is something that i've dealt with for most of my life and in result i've been hesitant to change. i keep a big middle ground in fear that i may fail and worse, be good as something and ultimately one day wake up and realize that alas-- i've lost that talent. (edit: it's actually rejection, something i'm not really good at taking)

i don't really have anything that particularly moves me. i'm guilty of falling into hobbies and quickly losing interest. i do this with people. and places. i'm sorry if it's affected you personally. it's affected me my entire life. goodness, this is depressing. for the first time in 7 years i'm out of a relationship. every decision i've made in the past 7 years have been solely based on another human being that wasn't me. i'm not kidding. it's a scary realization. fucking terrifying. to be out of college, in your first job and wake up and realize, "wow, i'm tremendously unhappy."

and today that's what the banana stem taught me.

on opening up.

it's 11:51 AM on monday, march 11th, 2013.

my half birthday was yesterday; 23 1/2. weird. what are you supposed to do at 23 1/2? live? that's what i feel like i've been trying to do. i hate the part where you get confused and are continuously trying to plan your life and you get so caught up in planning that you forget you're an actually human being who is supposed to be having fun.

i'm sitting here as my desk continuously hitting the refresh button on my email.

i applied to around 30 jobs this weekend, give or take a few. (i won't go into details for confidentiality purposes and respect to my co-workers but i'm just not happy here. it becomes a moral issue and i know that i don't belong here. that's all that i'm going to say.) as some of you know i live about 45 minutes north of philadelphia. i lived there for a couple years when i went to college but then relocated to the main line to finish out the duration of my schooling. since then a lot has happen, emphasis on a lot. i ended a terrible relationship, my dad got sick, i entered a new relationship, we moved in together, i commuted over 2 hours each day to finish my degree, i graduated from school, we renewed our lease, we moved, back to new hope after a hiccup that i again won't go into, we moved into B's parents house, i got a job, i moved out of B's parents house, moved backback to my parents house, B and i broke up, B and i got back together, kind of. and that's where i currently am.

it was never a part of my "plan" to move back to my parents house, i love my parents and appreciate everything that they do for me but i'm ready to be living independently from them. hence why i applied for jobs. i'm ready for a change. everyone seems to be on board with this decision. i've said ever since i left philadelphia how i would love to go back when my career and schooling situation had changed, well this is that time. B and i aren't living together, i'm financially able to move and i'm job hunting. i miss a lot about the city. i miss being able to walk everywhere, not having to use a car. i miss the open air markets, being able to lay in the sun in a park, being close to friends. i miss the spontaneity of everything the most. so that's it i'm headed from to philly (que the "it's always sunny" trailer). 

i'm excited about this change. at least i think i am. i know it's necessary and that in my heart i want to be back in philly, ideally i'd like to be there with B but hopefully soon.

(18-years-old with red hair carrying my camera on south street.)

also;

please pardon the 'blogs' appearance, i'm realizing that i'm not as computer savvy as i used to be and have no idea how to go about making this space look like i'd like it to-- that being said, any help would be much appreciated.

the weekend chronicles:

two trips to rojo's in one weekend? i'm a lucky girl.

(laura, the super awesome, most friendly, amazing barista at rojo's decided that sunday's are now themed. next sunday is 'john deere' dress accordingly.)

(i'm forever in love with my river town, and that handsome fella in front of me.)

(i told him that he can't shave his beard until i get a new job, we'll see. i just never want him to shave his beard.)

 (two trips to city market this weekend. pinch me! is that a subtle thumbs up mister b? my dish was a house salad topped with a scoop of hummus-- i've been a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d to hummus lately. can't get enough. and some baked lemon tofu with balsamic dressing on the side. B had a breakfast sandwich, i didn't event think to ask what on on it, oops! he said it was good though so that's all that matters, right?)

(remember those flowers from my last post? well B saw me checking them out on saturday and surprised me by getting them today. that fella i tell ya.)

(this past weekend has been beautiful, temperatures in the high 50's and lots of sunshine. we changed the clocks today too. this called for a celebration. my parents decided to switch to a vegan diet about a month ago after they watched, "forks over knives" and me as a vegan already definitely was down for some yummy summertime style eats. my papa whipped up like every delicious vegetable ever and threw them on the grilled, including pineapple. so amazing. not pictured was not one but two very delicious kale salads, one wasn't vegan for my younger sister, allison and a medley of other salad like things. thankfully i got leftovers to take to work tomorrow so i can take pictures then!)

(sunday nights are spent cuddling with B and watching girls. did anyone see tonight's episode? what direction is the show going in anymore? i don't know, i don't care, i'm hooked and don't know what i'm going to do after ext week's final episode.)

(and voila, said beautiful surprise flowers arranged in three vases, with buddha in the middle and my newest karen russell read, "vampires in the lemon grove". i'm in love with russell's writing. and reading. and flowers. and my leopard carpet.)

this weekend was a good one, nice relaxing, and calm. a perfect combination spent with good company. my best friend, chelsea leaves for hawaii on april 1st so there's lots of celebrating to be had before she leaves. here's to a continuation of the weekend throughout your week.

good night.

a fresh start?

(i strongly, strongly, strongly suggest that you check these fellas out; the districts)

(soaking up those late winter rays)

instead of keeping an online tab about my life, i've been finding a tremendous amount of solace in an old moleskine. i found it the day after a night of drinking several whiskey diet's and poured over the pages i once had written to myself. promises of getting on track, of losing weight, eating healthier. i laughed. it wasn't all bad; i wrote about the first time that B and i kissed, the first time he told me he loved me, plans to decorate our barn.

(this mornings rojo's date with this handsome fella)

the weather has been changing. the new moon is monday. the new moon in pisces, it's a time to dream and that's what i've been doing a lot of lately. i'm a great day dreamer. usually with the changing of the seasons, especially when warmer weather kicks in, i'm a mess. i can't keep my mind focused, i'm constantly creating, doing, going. this year it's different. i'm finding myself caught up with the idea of a change in scenery. i long to pack a suitcase and just got somewhere new, somewhere brighter. the pictures that i have been taking are a reflection of that.

so maybe i just will.

 (my partner)

(because sometimes, when it's 59 degrees and you're working from home during a weekend, you convince yourself that you can get in a bikini and tan)

 (hibiscus kombucha + lemonade = floral goodness)

(really regretting not snagging these pretty flowers)

how do you react to a change in season?

13/365

the deer came back for carrots and love.

xo,

stephanie.

12/365

lotus peacock pose, a huge work in progress.

xo,

stephanie.

11/365

empty yourself and let the universe fill you.

xo,

stephanie.