the banana plant is not a tree (and other discoveries)

is it normal to get sad over a a stem of a banana?

because i cried over mine today. i look at the stem of the banana that was connected to a bushel of other bananas and i cried. it's taken me three hours to write that sentence. i'm a blur of emotions today. and yesterday. and the day before. i took a banana for breakfast and got a look at the stem and thought about how i'd probably never see a banana plant. i'd probably never get to do any of the things that i long to do out of pure fear. i'm scared of so much. i'm scared of taking chances. i'm scared of making mistakes.

this is something that i've dealt with for most of my life and in result i've been hesitant to change. i keep a big middle ground in fear that i may fail and worse, be good as something and ultimately one day wake up and realize that alas-- i've lost that talent. (edit: it's actually rejection, something i'm not really good at taking)

i don't really have anything that particularly moves me. i'm guilty of falling into hobbies and quickly losing interest. i do this with people. and places. i'm sorry if it's affected you personally. it's affected me my entire life. goodness, this is depressing. for the first time in 7 years i'm out of a relationship. every decision i've made in the past 7 years have been solely based on another human being that wasn't me. i'm not kidding. it's a scary realization. fucking terrifying. to be out of college, in your first job and wake up and realize, "wow, i'm tremendously unhappy."

and today that's what the banana stem taught me.

on opening up.

it's 11:51 AM on monday, march 11th, 2013.

my half birthday was yesterday; 23 1/2. weird. what are you supposed to do at 23 1/2? live? that's what i feel like i've been trying to do. i hate the part where you get confused and are continuously trying to plan your life and you get so caught up in planning that you forget you're an actually human being who is supposed to be having fun.

i'm sitting here as my desk continuously hitting the refresh button on my email.

i applied to around 30 jobs this weekend, give or take a few. (i won't go into details for confidentiality purposes and respect to my co-workers but i'm just not happy here. it becomes a moral issue and i know that i don't belong here. that's all that i'm going to say.) as some of you know i live about 45 minutes north of philadelphia. i lived there for a couple years when i went to college but then relocated to the main line to finish out the duration of my schooling. since then a lot has happen, emphasis on a lot. i ended a terrible relationship, my dad got sick, i entered a new relationship, we moved in together, i commuted over 2 hours each day to finish my degree, i graduated from school, we renewed our lease, we moved, back to new hope after a hiccup that i again won't go into, we moved into B's parents house, i got a job, i moved out of B's parents house, moved backback to my parents house, B and i broke up, B and i got back together, kind of. and that's where i currently am.

it was never a part of my "plan" to move back to my parents house, i love my parents and appreciate everything that they do for me but i'm ready to be living independently from them. hence why i applied for jobs. i'm ready for a change. everyone seems to be on board with this decision. i've said ever since i left philadelphia how i would love to go back when my career and schooling situation had changed, well this is that time. B and i aren't living together, i'm financially able to move and i'm job hunting. i miss a lot about the city. i miss being able to walk everywhere, not having to use a car. i miss the open air markets, being able to lay in the sun in a park, being close to friends. i miss the spontaneity of everything the most. so that's it i'm headed from to philly (que the "it's always sunny" trailer). 

i'm excited about this change. at least i think i am. i know it's necessary and that in my heart i want to be back in philly, ideally i'd like to be there with B but hopefully soon.

(18-years-old with red hair carrying my camera on south street.)

also;

please pardon the 'blogs' appearance, i'm realizing that i'm not as computer savvy as i used to be and have no idea how to go about making this space look like i'd like it to-- that being said, any help would be much appreciated.

the weekend chronicles:

two trips to rojo's in one weekend? i'm a lucky girl.

(laura, the super awesome, most friendly, amazing barista at rojo's decided that sunday's are now themed. next sunday is 'john deere' dress accordingly.)

(i'm forever in love with my river town, and that handsome fella in front of me.)

(i told him that he can't shave his beard until i get a new job, we'll see. i just never want him to shave his beard.)

 (two trips to city market this weekend. pinch me! is that a subtle thumbs up mister b? my dish was a house salad topped with a scoop of hummus-- i've been a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d to hummus lately. can't get enough. and some baked lemon tofu with balsamic dressing on the side. B had a breakfast sandwich, i didn't event think to ask what on on it, oops! he said it was good though so that's all that matters, right?)

(remember those flowers from my last post? well B saw me checking them out on saturday and surprised me by getting them today. that fella i tell ya.)

(this past weekend has been beautiful, temperatures in the high 50's and lots of sunshine. we changed the clocks today too. this called for a celebration. my parents decided to switch to a vegan diet about a month ago after they watched, "forks over knives" and me as a vegan already definitely was down for some yummy summertime style eats. my papa whipped up like every delicious vegetable ever and threw them on the grilled, including pineapple. so amazing. not pictured was not one but two very delicious kale salads, one wasn't vegan for my younger sister, allison and a medley of other salad like things. thankfully i got leftovers to take to work tomorrow so i can take pictures then!)

(sunday nights are spent cuddling with B and watching girls. did anyone see tonight's episode? what direction is the show going in anymore? i don't know, i don't care, i'm hooked and don't know what i'm going to do after ext week's final episode.)

(and voila, said beautiful surprise flowers arranged in three vases, with buddha in the middle and my newest karen russell read, "vampires in the lemon grove". i'm in love with russell's writing. and reading. and flowers. and my leopard carpet.)

this weekend was a good one, nice relaxing, and calm. a perfect combination spent with good company. my best friend, chelsea leaves for hawaii on april 1st so there's lots of celebrating to be had before she leaves. here's to a continuation of the weekend throughout your week.

good night.

a fresh start?

(i strongly, strongly, strongly suggest that you check these fellas out; the districts)

(soaking up those late winter rays)

instead of keeping an online tab about my life, i've been finding a tremendous amount of solace in an old moleskine. i found it the day after a night of drinking several whiskey diet's and poured over the pages i once had written to myself. promises of getting on track, of losing weight, eating healthier. i laughed. it wasn't all bad; i wrote about the first time that B and i kissed, the first time he told me he loved me, plans to decorate our barn.

(this mornings rojo's date with this handsome fella)

the weather has been changing. the new moon is monday. the new moon in pisces, it's a time to dream and that's what i've been doing a lot of lately. i'm a great day dreamer. usually with the changing of the seasons, especially when warmer weather kicks in, i'm a mess. i can't keep my mind focused, i'm constantly creating, doing, going. this year it's different. i'm finding myself caught up with the idea of a change in scenery. i long to pack a suitcase and just got somewhere new, somewhere brighter. the pictures that i have been taking are a reflection of that.

so maybe i just will.

 (my partner)

(because sometimes, when it's 59 degrees and you're working from home during a weekend, you convince yourself that you can get in a bikini and tan)

 (hibiscus kombucha + lemonade = floral goodness)

(really regretting not snagging these pretty flowers)

how do you react to a change in season?

13/365

the deer came back for carrots and love.

xo,

stephanie.

12/365

lotus peacock pose, a huge work in progress.

xo,

stephanie.

11/365

empty yourself and let the universe fill you.

xo,

stephanie.

10/365

combining our families to celebrate my new adventure; i am now a communications assistant for brad's raw foods. lot's of champagne, cheersing, and laughs. i am so grateful for all of the love that i have received. i can't wait to share more information with all of you. for now, cheers.

xo,

stephanie.

9/365

a note from my honey honey. bread balls from madgey and i's bread making class. the bakers in stripes.

xo,

stephanie.

8/365

sometimes i have to pinch myself, i live here.

xo,

stephanie.

7/365

today's weather was chilly and perfect for a bicycle ride. did i mention that my dad's house is right down the street and my mom's house is only five minutes away? it is. it makes running to see my family a lot easier. especially when b and i have these pretty vintage bikes to ride on.

xoxo,

stephanie.

6/365

this magical thing happened today.

xo,
stephanie.

5/365

my breakfast: agave, almond milk, kale, yogurt.

xo,
stephanie.

4/365

it was 29 degrees and the first frost of the season when i left the house for working this morning.

xo,
stephanie.

3/365

today was a cozy day. i woke up to a headache and there was a definite chill in the air. b and i traveled across the bridge to lovin' oven for breakfast and to get some goodies for two loved ones who are celebrating their birthdays this week.

i took a nap, strange for me, i know and decided that i would continue with the cozy theme of the day and just lay low to get some work done. i met up with a good gal pal for some tea and chats which was lovely. now i'm just sitting on the couch, about to start up a fire and get back to my book.


hope your friday is spent with love.



xo,
stephanie.

2/365

i debated which picture to put up for some time. how does one choose during a 365 project? i guess that's something that will eventually become easier. i finally decided on this one. a picture of the butternut squash, garlic, olive oil, and spinach pizza that i made.

since today was my friday at work i had a ton of stuff to do before i could get into 'weekend mode'. i'm typing kind of aggravated right now because there is a certain boy sitting next to me who's being a grouch face magee. anyway, when i was done these said chores i had to rush off to an appointment which left me in kind of a funny mood, not an angry mood or a happy mood, or necessarily a sad mood, just a mood. i cook when i'm in weird moods so that's just what i did. i whipped up this, rather delicious, pizza and some cilantro-ranch salad dressing for a salad and ate a quick dinner before heading off to hot yoga which has been my serenity.

that's all for now, have fun drooling over my pizza.

butternut squash pizza

ingredients:

pizza dough

butternut squash, about 1 lb. peeled and sliced

a handful of spinach

two or three cloves of garlic, chopped

a couple globs of whole milk ricotta

extra virgin olive oil

pepper

salt

directions:

1. preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

2. roasted the butternut squash with a drizzle of olive oil and salt and pepper until the oven is preheated.

3. remove the squash and put it into a boiling pot of water to let it get soft.

4. take your pizza dough and roll it out and use the reaming olive oil from the butternut squash as a coating for the dough on the same pan.

5. throw down some ricotta, then the chopped garlic, then the salt and pepper, add the spinach.

6. put the pizza in the oven to let the flavors start to cook together.

7. after the water comes to a boil take the squash slices, take the pizza out of the oven and spread them around the pizza.

8. cook the pizza.

9. enjoy.

xo,

stephanie.

1/365

i've had an idea.
usually my ideas come with rapid spewing of words and how we can get the motion in the ocean to go ahead with the said idea. it's usually messy. in typical virgo fashion i give up half way when i'm not satisfied with the results but this time, i think, i've decided to go ahead and put my idea on paper... or the internet.

if you're like me, maybe you're not like me actually. i'm sure most of you aren't emotional, 5'nothing, 23-year-old girls who are frustrated with where they are in life (at times), still fight with their parents (at times) and hardly ever watch television (all the time). but any who, i'm sure a lot of you out there on the other side of your computers have an instagram account. i do. i love instagram. i love editing my photos and posting them and seeing my phone light up and i receive comments and notifications of likes. is this vain of me? who cares. i'm sure you're all nodding your heads in agreement.

like i stated before, i'm not a typical 23-year-old girl/lady/women. i did the whole college thing differently then most people have. i've never done a keg stand or a beer funnel or an ice luge... you're welcome parents. i've never pulled an all-nighter to study for a class or test, frankly because i believed in getting all my work done as soon and it was assigned. weird, i know. but now with only two classes left in my college career, i've become just that. a procrastinator. as i type this i have a discussion, journal, and test due on islam and a bunch of photography homework. but that can all wait because of this idea.

while i was making a vegan-african-peanut-stew last night, my boyfriends wonderful mother whom i love like my own, said to me, "do you know why i love you, stephanie? i love you for a multitude of reasons. i love you because you try to make every day special." i immediately looked at the floor and blushed like a possum and said, "thank you eileen". if it's one thing about my boyfriends family, dang they give some pretty creative compliments. i think what made me really fall in love with bryan was when he told me that he, "loved the loyalty that i had to my family." he didn't compliment my hair or my outfit or scoff at the fact that i've never seen half the movies that the general population obsesses over. he just gave me a genuine, true compliment. and i was swoon city.

i thought about what eileen said all night. i realized that i have a tendency to write off what people say is good about me, typical virgo habit, again. but i really soaked this one in. i do try to make everyday special because frankly i think that i'd go insane if everyday was the same. that's when i had this idea. i'd capture a photo with my beloved iphone and post it to this blog every single day. i'd make a virtual documentary of what was special to me about wednesday october 10th, 2012.

so for the first entry i have this picture:

that's me. at work. wearing a turquoise belt. conveniently hiding a coffee stain that i had gotten seconds prior. i'm laughing at bryan, who can't sit down while he's on the phone. he had a stressful morning with the band that he manages, shameless self promotion here: http://www.thelawsuitsband.com. and i was just laughing at him getting his steps around the sidewalk outside of the cafe. i call him, "the coach" because a manager sounds like you manage foot locker or something. he does much more. no offense to any foot locker employees that may be reading this. i went to a foot locker once to buy a live strong band.



anyway, i hope you stick around. some pictures with be happy some will be sad, regardless they will be interesting and always have a story behind them.






xoxo,
stephanie.

falling for fall •••

summer is over. i just got back from the beloved village 2 pool and it was like summer never even happened.

the pools are covered up, the guard chairs have been taken down, and the grass is growing wild. you would have never known that less than a month ago there were 9 guards on duty catering to the needs of 500 patrons at any given time. another summer for the books.

this past months has been a roller coaster. i hate roller coasters. i won't go into details but lots of loops, turns and twists have been happening arounds these parts. we're out of doylestown back into new hope, that's probably the biggest thing. we wanted to be back here. doylestown was never our home. we loved our barn, we loved bill and marge, and boy, did we love that lake. but new hope is where we belong.

new hope has been treating us well. we've been getting reacquainted with our familiar surroundings, exploring the places that we haven't been to and discovering some new haunts along the way.

if you're like me, and most of the population, fall is the best time of year. here's a playlist that i made for my cafe management job at the stockton market to celebrate.


falling for fall •••



xo,
stephanie.

940 days. 22,5600 hours. 1,353,600 minutes. give or take the seconds.

i knew of you before i really knew you. older, a social butterfly always surrounded by a group of people. you had an infectious smile, you still do. a face full of freckles and the craziest blue eyes with a circle of brown around each pupil. fast forward 11 years later and you're here and i get to see your smile whenever i please.

i just want to put my head on your chest.

that caravan recap i was talking about...

it's already tuesday night but the memories from this past weekend are still very fresh in my mind. lots of family and friends have asked me about my return from maine. i can't help but giggle in reply.
even in the car on the drive up i had butterflies in my stomach. i'll admit, this was my first festival so i was only really going off of stories that friends had shared with me and i really had no real idea what to expect.


the very first night b exclaimed that he was so excited to sleep in a fort. i explained that they were called tents and then put two-and-two together and realized this was the poor boys first time camping.

ashley.

festival goers bathing in the beautiful 'great lake'.

hammocks all around.

one of the houses on the property.

i just overheard b on the phone say to a friend, "caravan was as close to 'free love' as it gets.". it was a perfect way to describe it. so many folks from philadelphia (and surrounding areas) who all took a couple days off from school or work to drive 8+ hours up the coast and listen to some live music in a beautiful location.

tents in every which direction.

the amount of support that i saw between bands was wonderful. everyone sat through each others sets and cheered, clapped, hooted and hollered until the music shut off at 10:00pm; even after that the party continued way into the night. i heard so many people refer to one another as "their brother" or "their sister". we discussed the experience on the car ride home and were astonished that we heard no one raise their voice in quarrel and no one, thankfully, was injured during the weekend.

motorcycles driven up the coast from pennsylvania to maine.

the path that we walked from our tents to the 'quarry' where the music was played.

the sunset on friday night.

sleepy heads.

food was cooked over a campfire, carnivores and vegetarians had an option at every meal. i had to laugh on saturday when our friends decided to leave caravan for a couple hours to go purchase lobsters. they brought them back and cooked all 14 of them over the fire and shared the leftovers with anyone who walked up, curious to see if the rumors were true.

lobsters, my mom will kill me when she sees we didn't eat them sitting down and on a plate!

brendan was the lobster expert, easily identifying every part.

10 years.

had to share this group-shot that nell took.

(left to right) 

kyle, august, brendan, me, amber, vanessa, bryan, ashley, and brian.

all in all, a great weekend with new friends and old ones.

hope your week has been great.